I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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