I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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