Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
