She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
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I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
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You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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