I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
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the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
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i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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