he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
You're like the curious george of whores
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
