omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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