i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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