Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
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