she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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