I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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