He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
