Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
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chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
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She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Omg I joined a choir last night...
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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