1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
