Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
