My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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