you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
