so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
