Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
