Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize