so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
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She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
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The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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