My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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