Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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