he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
