She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
