I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
