I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
