You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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