He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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