I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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