Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
