I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
