I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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