I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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