You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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