Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
