thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
