My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Vodka?
Forever.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
