I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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