God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
We're too hungover to prance.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
