My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize
