Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
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I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
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I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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