So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
