Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
