My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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