Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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