dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
