when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
