he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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