Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
