Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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