I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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