As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
