he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
