I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
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I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
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